I did not grow up rich. So if you told the 15 year old me (pictured below) that I’d be spending $98 on stretchy pants from Lucy I’d say you’re INSANE.

My BFF Helen and I would spend hours at thrift stores trying to find the perfect black velvet dress that was under $20. The concept of buying clothes to workout was ridiculous. Of course back then all I was worried about was exactly what time did we have to start waiting in line outside of Tower Records so we could get decent seats for Morrissey’s solo concert.

You want me to work out? Please. All I want to do is listen to depressing music from Manchester while eating cheese pizzas.

Also, workout pants back then were not as cute as they are now.

We had Zubaz pants.

Photo by mnd.ctrl

They were $20 a piece. And they came in all sorts of insane colors.

I know all you cute dance kids  are wearing harem pants in dance class and thinking you’re rocking a revolutionary item.

But those are Hammer pants. And moms all over the US sewed these bad boys together so their teenagers could look like they were carrying a massive dump in their pants. But hey that’s fashion. And I have to say …Hammer pants were fantastic to wear while going to Sizzler. I mean you can knock out a ridiculous amount of food in those pants.

Photo by Esperluette

So now I’m an older woman. With a job. So yes I’ve got a little bit more coin than when I worked at Blockbuster Video. But I’m not overindulgent.

FYI, I was the one who called you when you were 12 days overdue on that Cannonball Run videotape. I was the one who charged $299 on your credit card for that error. Sorry.  But dude really. You love Burt Reynolds that much?

So why am I spending $98 on Lucy’s Perfect Core pants?

1. They make you look GOOOOD.
All chunk gets sucked in and smoothed out. I am not a small woman. I will never be a waif. I love donuts and lasagna way too much.

I just need clothes that control the jiggle and Lucy’s Perfect Core does this job perfectly.

Go to your nearest Lucy. Ask to try out the Perfect Core. Get both the size you normally wear and a size down. Put them on and be amazed.

2.  Even though all the chunk is smoothed out and held in, you can breath just fine.
I have inhaled burritos that were the size of small babies while wearing these pants and felt FINE.

3. They’re super easy to clean.
Lululemon tells me to air dry your pants. Seriously? You want me to air dry stretchy pants that are soaked in sweat? No. My stretchy pants are going to be washed in warm water then they will bake in the dryer till the stink of me is off of them.

I’ve owned a pair of Perfect Core pants that I’ve worn, washed, and dried in the dryer 55+ times. All good. No piling. No loose stitching. Chunk still held in firmly.

I’ve owned Lululemon, Gap, Nike, Addidas, and Target pants and they all have their pros and cons. Lululemon’s designs are beautiful but they don’t survive my normal cleaning routing. Target pants are cheap but after 20 washings they get itchy and lose their strength around the waist. And honey, I need a firm grip around my mid region.

4. When you bend over, your underwear doesn’t show. 
Last year, there was a big to do because some of Lululemon’s pants were see through. And when you’re bending over trying to nail that perfect Beyoncé pose, you really don’t want the pattern in your underwear to show through the fabric. Lucy pants don’t show anything. Solid. You could be wearing Cookie Monster underwear, that pattern aint coming through.

So dollar for dollar, the Lucy pants are a good deal because they last a long time, they conceal what they need to conceal, and they feel fantastic.

I have pants from Fabletics and so far they’re fine. We’ll see how well they last after 55+ washings. I probably will try out pants from Corey Vines and Ellie. I like the idea of inexpensive pants that are good quality. But I’ve treated my Lucy Perfect Core pants very badly these past few years and they’ve been very very good to me.

Last note: Lucy also sells the Perfect Booty pant. Yes they are fantastic. Yes it will make your booty look great. Not J. Lo great. But normal human woman great. They’re #2 on my list of favorite pants.

Oh God no. Lucy released a new color for their Perfect Core pants. Verdial space dye. Goddamn you Lucy. That’s really friggin cute. Damn you.